Empty Nest + Retirement + Nomadic Lifestyle aint for the faint of ego. I had expected more times of loneliness, boredom, and questions of purpose than I’ve ended up feeling. But I never anticipated how the triple-whammy of losing in-person-parenting, work and home community would dam up the steady stream of strokes that keep us mere mortals puffed up and strong.

Back in the work world I’d get evaluations, thanks, tears, hugs, raises. I’d come home from a good meeting or project completion or parent consoling and tell my wife, “I’m GOOD at my job.” Daily and periodically, formally and informally, my tender ego received a flood of messages saying I matter, I’m good at something, I’m here for a reason beyond myself.

And outside work, I’d score a goal in soccer, sing at a party, share at a Quaker meeting, volunteer at a youth crisis shelter, meet a friend for coffee or men’s circle, shovel a neighbour’s snowy walk. Plus the daily rewards of parenting. Regular contact with regular people who Notice and Appreciate my little contributions and changes and cute quirks.

I hope that wasn’t my primary motivation for living that life, but we’re all human, and it feels good to be recognized and affirmed. 

Now on the road, I’ve got my loving wife, but she’s a bit biased. I get encouraging and insightful comments on these blog posts (thanks!) Market women laugh at my Vietnamese, and my tutor offers an enthusiastic “Đúng vậy!” (that’s right!) more than I deserve. We connect online with our children, friends and family often enough to feel our ongoing significance and meaning in their hearts, but not with the same regularity or physical intimacy as living in the same place. 

Then there’s all the cheap masturbatory dopamine hits. Mini-crossword in 34 seconds, Sudoku in under 34 minutes. The mirror after a sweaty workout. Zarina calling me a “God” at Wordplay. I wonder how much the online activities are a pathetic effort to replace the feedback and sense of achievement I used to get at work and community. Does it really matter that 41 people saw my Instagram post (why do I check?) Do I really need that boost when the Wordle Bot gives me a skill score higher than the national average?

Despite all this navel-gazing, it’s honestly been okay - it was more like a surprise when I one day suddenly noticed the change. Of course it still feels good to get a shout-out, but I don’t hunger for it, don’t puff up like a blowfish when I get it, and don’t perform in order to get it. I often quote George Carlin (though I’ve never found the actual quote again online) who said something like, “If you reach the age of 68 and still care what people think about you, I don’t think you’ve led a very examined life.”